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We established a genuine rhythm just as I was about to leave.The only solace I found in going back to work was the knowledge that I’d be able to see glimpses of my daughter during the day on the webcam. That morning I dug a slate-colored wrap dress out of my closet that fit my postpartum body, threw on some foreign-feeling black heels, and headed to the office, holding back tears all the while.

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The webcam also helped motivate me while pumping breast milk at work, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In my mind, the daycare center was totally transparent and, as long as parents weren’t looking at it 24/7 searching for a problem, it was simply a way for them to keep an eye on their little ones when they were away. Even though the webcam view was a little grainy, I could see her smiling and laughing as they played, and I wished it were making her smile and laugh.

As expected, once Maya was born I questioned my decision to return to work a thousand times.

As much as I loved my job, I just couldn’t fathom the thought of someone else being with my daughter for 50 hours a week.

Once I was able to see it that way, I felt less anxious, less jealous of her teachers, and more confident in my decision to return to work.

It wasn’t the same as being there with my daughter 24/7, but I was able to feel connected and close to her from my desk.




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